Posted on: October 15, 2015 Posted by: Syed Taabish Ali Naqvi Comments: 1

After much speculation and rumour’s spreading around campus, it was finally confirmed by LDS sources inside SBASSE that the Mathematics Department is indeed taking money from Youtuber’s.

In a bid to earn a bit of side money instructors decided to change their technique of teaching and introduced a sly way of getting students to use YouTube. “You see” said our source “By teaching students in the most mediocre manner possible, and then halfheartedly explaining concepts, we smartly turn them towards YouTube to fulfill their educational needs.”

I raised the matter of senior batches recommending freshmen to watch YouTube videos from the very start, in response to that our source smiled and said, “Bribery. Do you truly think these batches thought of YouTube themselves? Hopelessly deluded the lot of them! We paid the first batch and let word of mouth spread”

When asked whether teaching was a priority or not, the answer was straightforward, “The emphasis is mainly on materialistic possessions, it’s a matter of appeal. Despite the fact that we prefer to confuse students, we like to look good while doing it. Nice cars, cool motorbikes, maybe even a tattoo, it helps keep up our shambles of an attendance!” Our source exclaimed, “Its easy to confuse students, but to actually look good while doing it? Now that’s not a skill everyone can master!” Unsure what to say back I just nodded ever so slowly.

“You know there is something very beautiful about how we teach.” I gave him an imploring look. “You see, when we speak to the students we are not just speaking to them, we speak beyond them, to this realm of mathematicians, where everyone has PHD’s and solving problems all day long is a recreational activity!” Surprised by this conflicting new revelation I asked them to elaborate their point further, to which they replied, “Wait? You actually believed that? No, we just let our eyes glaze over in despair and occasionally glance at our prepared notes in order to ensure our train of thought isn’t disturbed.”

I asked the source whether he had a preference when it comes to YouTube channels. “Basically it comes down to who gives us more money, usually it’s a tie between ‘Khan Academy’ and a person who calls himself ‘PatrickJMT’. Howeveron on rare occasions we also get money from this person who calls himself Paul. Bit of an unfortunate name if you ask me, no one pronounces it right!”

“Do you feel the students demand too much of your time?” I asked our source. “Isn’t it evident enough?” he asked in return. “LUMS students, especially the freshmen, expect spoon feeding at undergrad level. It is hardly very mature of them. Its horrifying really, these expectations that are held about us, it is very hard not to crack under the pressure of being such fantastic professors.”

“Do you want to know our favourite little trick in the book though? TA’s.” our source said. “TA’s?” I ventured. “Yes TA’s, they’re like diamonds in the rough, they truly are! They fill in the numerous gaps that we leave in our student’s rather useless minds. At the end of day, we get credit for students’ progress when in all actuality it’s due to our little minion’s hard work! I love this job!”

So there you have it dear readers, an insight into one of the smallest departments at SSE. Now when you look at your instructors in the eye and see nothing but a glistening pupil, dull, dreary, staring back at you, you know very well what they’re thinking about you.

Note: This is a fictionalised, satirical publication. It’s content should not be taken as actual record of events.

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