writer’s block

He turned in his papers and turned to get out of there as fast as possible. He avoided the diligent Dean by cutting around the secretary’s desk. A ball of thoughts throbbing in his head would not stop.

“Morning Logan and why are you in the office today”? , said the Dean. Logan turned instantaneously to be exposed to the Dean’s drab and dated suit. Pulling himself from the horrid clothing Logan mumbled about a made up reason why he was leaving. He could not tell anyone what really happened because his mom said so. So he said a hurried goodbye and was off on his next enterprise. But Logan did not really have a clue of what he was doing. But his friends did give him a good spin on his situation. A lot of the great success stories were college dropouts.

“Look at that Mark guy he made Facebook and now he knows about everyone’s lives” said Vin. But he always had a positive attitude to failure I mean if he failed his dad would get him whatever he wanted. Those privileged assholes have it so easy Logan thought. But Logan knew he had to work to get his stuff out there but he felt really alone now. With his bank account drained due to his dad’s loss, Logan would really need to find a part time or his best friends would evict him soon. Well their apartment was as dull as dishwater so Logan knew it was not worth fighting for.

The next few days after leaving college were hard but he tried to pull himself together. He was not even dressing in his many hats and skinny jeans. His dull and mundane mood was not typical and his friends worried. They knew his family was in crisis but they knew he was too upset to talk about that. They arranged a game night at Macy’s apartment which was huge with furnishings from all over the world. Another rich asshole’s wealth Logan had to deal with.

But Logan was friends with them because they were his type with a carefree attitude and less ambitions. He liked their pretentious attitudes but he knew he could never parallel it. Logan was his own diverse character in their disjointed group of six. From Logan’s eyes they were all snobbish and egotistic but who does not love strong opinions like those of Drake and his cultured aspects on everything. The boys were always friends since they met at a skate park in a youthful, wind free day. Weiz, Logan and Drake all were characters in their school but they never had the pleasure to be acquainted. The girls were more of an issue. Even though they all liked one another but competition was so evident an old lady could spot who wore more makeup a mile away. Robyn was always a little disjointed and tried kept quiet in this group. While her appearance screamed otherwise with her array of tattoo’s and eccentric moods. But Macy and Jazz were on the same wave length of class and artsy attitudes. Robyn had always merged well with the boys and the girls the competition. So when Drake and Robyn started dating quite openly Robyn was accepted by the girl’s as well.

As the impromptu game night commenced it led to the never ending laughs and when truth or dare came about the tension built. The first dare started out small with a wild dance by Robyn which was normal. The dares rolled over to kisses and drama. When Weiz was dared for a kiss it led to Drake being targeted. Over the years the group had learned Weiz swung both ways so it was no problem for him. The roaring began but they all knew it was harmless. That was not even the most awkward kiss of the night. When Macy got dared to smooch Logan her old crush things got tense. As she opted out Logan pulled her close and gave her a peck on the lips. A dazed group stared back at the two. But Logan had no regrets he was not even paying attention to this night that much. Jazz became worried about Macy’s agitated feelings over him. That never worked out.

These long nights were normal at Macy’s and sometimes they even happened at Weiz’s house because they were close to a good bar. College was really option to this group of six. When they skipped which was quite often they drove over to the rocks near the sea for a smoke. The café down there was owned by Weiz’s current boyfriend but none of them really knew him.

“Can I have six shots and what do you guys want?” coughed Drake. They all laughed and ordered food and e liquid for their electronic cigarettes. The place near the rocks was so incomparable to anything they had seen or maybe they were still too drunk. But as they wrapped their snacks a devilishly, remarkable female passed their table. Logan’s eyes did not go straight to her face but the extensive tattoo on her arm. Sure she was gorgeous but that tattoo was so ambiguous. It was covered by her shirt and Logan just wanted to see what it said. But when he returned to his group’s conversation they were talking of why Drake and Robyn was such a strange match. They did not mind. Drake was an emotional drunk and I do not mean like crying but he gets quite affectionate. But Robyn was more dramatic and vulnerable to men. She always thought she was too out there for anyone to date her. But Logan still pictured that girl and waited for her to show up in the café again. As he looked over his shoulder he heard a new voice at their table, he turned back quickly. It was her. Her hair dropped over her face as she talked to Jazz. Logan closed of the questions in his mind and introduced himself.

“Hi I am Logan. And you are?” he said fervidly.

“I am Erin, I am Jazz’s friend from the clothing store on Sate Boulevard” she explained.

Logan wanted to continue the conversation but he was scared no words would come out in awe or too many feelings would pour out. But he kept observing her gentle moves and pleasant beauty. Weiz was too involved with his new boyfriend whose name I never got. And Robyn was kissing Drake on the cheek. At least there was no competition between us guys Logan thought. Macy and Jazz chatted up Erin while I listened in. The idea of the beach sprung in Logan’s mind. He presented the idea while Erin was there and they all accepted but for tomorrow. So Logan would have to wait another day to see his mystery tattoo. As they drove off from the café in separate cars Logan questioned Jazz on Erin. She seemed like a stand up girl but was she single was his main question. But he knew if the asked that straight out the group would drop their ideas on him.

When they hit the beach they were no ordinary group, they took the entire contents of their apartments with them. Drake hung his Beats round his neck and grabbed the zaniest board shorts ever. Jazz put on every bracelet in her house and it was Logan’s lucky day because even Erin came in a bikini. Weiz and Robyn wore barely there swimsuits while the rest covered up due to the excruciating tans they knew that were coming. Logan did try to hang low with his journal and pen writing down thoughts. The pursuit writing had always hung over him but no one really supported. While music and movies may be some people’s safe haven, Logan had always resorted to books. Barnes and Noble was his kingdom. But he never understood if he was any good. The journals filled up but he was unable to compile his work to be readable by someone else. Logan tried to create but he had never found that right time to start a chapter.

“Watch out!” Logan boomed from a distance but the volleyball had already caused the damage to Erin’s perfect head. Her hair was touched with sand and her tears looked like clear crystal. Logan dropped his glasses and journal to get to her. He had forgotten about the tattoo altogether. But it was right in front of him now. He read it slowly “Love knows to language or time”. It hit him so hard that he forgot what moment he was in. As Erin got up she reached out and caught Logan’s hand. He guided her to where he had been. The rest of the group resumed their eccentricities on the beach with outlandish castles and races. As they behaved like children Logan and Erin hung back like the parents. As her head slowly perched itself on his shoulder the atmosphere shifted in his mind. She glanced over into his journal which caught her fascination

“And what would this be Logan?”

“I have been trying out new things since I got out of college.”

“Oh you’re done with college?”

“No I dropped out but do not worry I can handle the success that will come with it. Oh sorry inside joke. But all of them think because I dropped out I will turn out like Bill Gates”

“That could happen surely if you improve your handwriting” He did not even notice she was reading his notes. But why would he mind they were the words no one else paid attention to. From that instance they both had a connection which they had no point of denying. So he soon asked her a date which turned to a relationship so inseparable that Logan left a trail all the way to Erin’s house. Drake and Weiz were so elated that he was happy. Jazz knew Erin was so amazing that she could help him with his problems.

He would sit outside her window and write notes on her beauty and her laugh. She felt so flattered and embarrassed when he would talk about her like in front of the group. Logan’s smell of cigarettes and ashy fingers were always on her hands. She loved sitting with him and pondering his ideas of what type of book he would write. They developed a system to write in the walls whatever inspired them that day. Every day Logan wrote Erin’s name up there. As his muse he took one of her perfect traits and incorporated it in his characters. At first it was so charming and Logan even began to stay late outside her window to write. He said he could only get his ideas when he was close to her.

So when the Logan and Erin got serious it led too Logan getting serious about his writing which made him quite obsessive about perfection in his work. He may not have noticed that he was ignoring his health and even his friends for his notes which would turn into a book. His self-centered attitude and idealistic thoughts were becoming obnoxious sometimes. Logan wanted to become the visionary for this century with his modern writing. Erin really loved his work but she did not like the fact that it reflected nothing of his reality. It was too perfect.

Logan’s impulsive drop-ins outside Erin’s window were getting tiresome. Her smile was fake because she missed the old him. She hated that he was so compulsively involved in his work and loved nothing but his typewriter and journals. He was writing for the world but she knew there had to be some raw emotion left in him. He had not even entered the publishing stage and he had become so artificial. If Logan ever did sleep it would be for hours. At these times Erin would go searching for a missing journal. She had discovered that one red journal was in his bag when he left but never in the house. She had a feeling that was where he held his true feelings about life and her. She only told Jazz about that journal but soon the whole group knew. One day when Logan left for a cigarette and some inspiration the group showed up. When she figured they all knew about the red journal they turned the house upside down. She was sure he left it in the house today. Drake and Robyn ignored the search and just kissed on the couch. Weiz turned over a floorboard so easily and found it. He screamed of his find. Everyone jolted to the study, even Drake and Robyn wanted to know. Logan had always been simple in their eyes so they wanted to figure that kid out.

But Erin pulled it away and claimed she could only read it with Logan’s permission and presence. As he opened the door Logan had a cigarette popped in the side of his lips and a bag of chips in his hands. He could not remember the last time he had seen the whole group but he was not fazed by them. He said hello and turned to get to the study for some more work. He thought Erin invited them for company but then his eye landed on the red journal in her sweaty hands. She gripped it with pressure. They saw Logan’s face drop and jolt right back up.

“Wha what are you doing with that? That’s mine,” he said alarmingly.

“I knew about it and I need to know what is in this now. I have not read it but I need to know.” Her demanding tone was a side he had been exposed too. He came close to try and grab it and run but Weiz sat him down.

“We can see you’re still hurting. Just let us read and help.” Weiz said solemnly.

“Alright but this should be long.”

The pages turned and the revelations of Logan’s fears came out. He hated the fact to be ousted from college because of no money. Erin could not bear to read so she passed it on. Logan cried into Erin’s soft hair. He could not handle the magnitude of his problems. The red journal only revealed his troubles and his only hope which emerged in the middle of the book. Erin had created a parallel universe which was so safe for him. He could invest his feelings in a force which would not cash out like his father’s bank account. His austere descriptions of his pain of not being heard made his friends feel responsible. That was never his intention but he just felt that alone. He was so lucky he never turned to anything severe like alcohol or drugs. Erin had come at the right time. Her tattoo was incorrect love did know when to come. The journal echoed all the sounds of someone so troubled by his own demons that he needed to live of someone else’s energy. Erin understood why he sat out there even when it was cold. He needed the company so he would not self destruct. But she did not understand why keep this from her.

“Logan can ask just one question? I know you’re upset and hurting. But why did you keep this from me. We are together. I could have helped if understood how serious you were.” Everyone looked at Logan. Their damaged friend was so distressed but he still answered.

“I had to be successful. I told you the first time we met that I would be. How could I break that promise? I kept all this in the red journal while my writing had to be perfect for success. This tragic writing would only kill people’s mood. The book would be uplifting.” He cried throughout talking. Erin was struck and she felt responsible for some of it. She knew he was struggling but he never had to do any of this for her. As the group listened to this wretched conflict within Logan they cried and tried to comfort him.

Erin realized this promise could be fulfilled because the red journal was his route to success. She wanted to complete his success ambition so he could make her happy. And now she was to be with him was enough. His loving nature from the beach was gone but the renewed Logan was the man she wanted to be with. As they sat in their lounge he kissed her cheek and went to the wall, picked up spray paint and wrote Erin.



You'll always see me listening to music trying to observe what Lums has to offer - I wish I could experience every era.

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